5 Principles I Learned From A Holocaust Survivor to Free My Mind From The Past
1. You can't stand underneath someone else's umbrella and complain you're getting wet.
5 Principles I Learned From A Holocaust Survivor to Free My Mind From The Past
“I don’t know. I just never felt that low before.”
I told that to my friends at dinner the other night. That wasn’t easy to admit.
For the entire month of November, all I did was think about the past and ruminate over heartbreak. Like Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island, I became an investigator trying to solve an imaginary crime. An endless loop without a resolution.
I didn’t know that mindset would diminish my self-esteem and confidence, but that’s what happened. Before I knew it, I had difficulty concentrating at work, sleeping, and even doing the things I love, like writing and hanging out with friends.
As they say, it’s not the first arrow that kills you, but the second — the one you make for yourself.
It was in December that I picked up the most profound book I’ve ever read and completely turned around my awareness, mindset, and confidence. Thank god for books, am I right!
The Choice is a memoir by world-renowned psychologist and Holocaust survivor Dr. Edith Eva Eger. At 16 years old, Edith was separated from her family and sent to Auschwitz concentration camp where she witnessed every unspeakable horror at the hands of Nazi anti-Semitism.
After her liberation, she immigrated to the United States, earned her doctorate in psychology, and dedicated her life to helping people heal from trauma.
Not only did I find the book a masterpiece, but it showed me the key to personal growth:
Your past can either be a prison or a springboard to an even greater future.
I feel confident again. I’ve built a stronger more intentional version of myself, and I’m so excited about the future. I said to my friends last weekend. “I’m pumped for 2022. This year will be our best ever.”
I noted all the reoccurring principles that helped Edith (and myself by extension) escape the tranny of the past and stay locked in the present.
Here are the principles.
1. “You can’t stand underneath someone else’s umbrella and complain you’re getting wet.”
You’re not a victim.
A good definition of a victim is someone who chooses to focus on things entirely outside their control. They ping others for their misery and allow others to determine their self-worth.
I found that when we go through something uncomfortable like a breakup or getting fired, we automatically default to the victim role. It’s easier than taking responsibility I guess, and nothing is gained if we let someone off the hook, right?
Here’s what Dr. Eger says:
“You can either live to avenge the past, or you can live to enrich the future.”
What type of world would you rather live in?
Dr. Eger traveled to Israel and interviewed other Holocaust survivors. She found one thing she had in common with all of them: “We had no control over the most consuming facts of our lives, but we could control how we experience life after trauma. We can choose to be our own jailers, or we can choose to be free.”
This hit me like a ton of bricks.
Despite how we are treated, we are never powerless. We can choose the roles we want to play. Live to avenge the past? No, thank you. That means nothing to me. I want to live in a world with hope.
A person who lives to enrich the future. My future.
2. “If you were to leave this world right now, what do you want your last thoughts to be?”
Your thoughts have an enormous amount of pull.
I learned that the hard way. I looked over my journal entries from November and noted how many days I defaulted to negative thoughts. Honestly, it was almost all of them.
Oh boy, did it show.
The negative vibes reared their’ ugly head in my relationship with friends and family, my work performance, and my downtime.
Rereading my journal was embarrassing, but a freeing experience. I learned that negative thoughts have consequences not only for you, but for everyone. That’s freeing because there’s something you can do about that. If there’s anything you control, it’s your thoughts.
It sounds simple and almost cliche because everyone on Medium talks about “Mindset Shifts,” but that’s what it is. A reframing of the story you’re telling yourself from a place of fear to a place of love.
You can choose to play the victim, or you can choose to view the situation as an opportunity to level up.
You can say, “I have to exercise today,” or you can say, “I get to exercise today.”
A breakup can mean you lost to love of your life, or it can mean you’re in search of a higher standard.
I started journaling from a place of love. I wrote about my friends who gave me social support. My family who listened to me. My relentless drive and work ethic that’s given me awesome career opportunities. I started writing about what I get to do vs. what I have to do.
You know what happened? I regained confidence. I started to look forward to things. My focus got better.
I leveled up.
3. “You can choose to pay attention to the things you lost or you can choose to pay attention to what you have. “
It could always be worse.
There’s a famous story about a conversation between Adam Grant and Facebook COO Sheryl Sandburg. She tragically lost her husband while on vacation in Mexico. His heart gave out while running on the treadmill.
She called Adam hoping for positivity. She received the opposite.
“Think of how much worse it could have been,” Adam said.
“Worse! Are you f*cking kidding me!” She replied.
“Yea! Dave could’ve been driving your kids while he had the heart attack.”
“The thought that I could have lost all three of them had never occurred to me. I instantly felt overwhelmingly grateful that my children were alive and healthy — and that gratitude overtook some of the grief.”
People label gratitude as a way to remind themselves of what’s going right in their lives — which is true! But I found over the past few months that it’s much more than that. It’s an exercise of returning to the present.
The past has a way of sucking you into an empty pit. Gratitude pushes you toward the opportunities — a gentle reminder that you didn’t lose everything.
4. “Expression is the opposite of oppression.”
Here’s a harsh truth: Men do not deal with emotions well.
There’s a time and place for sucking it up. However, modern psychology tells us that burying emotions doesn’t vaporize them. They need to go somewhere. If they aren’t expressed appropriately, they show themselves in ways that aren’t flattering.
Everyone needs to feel sad, angry, and grieve for the past. If for no other reason than to recognize that you’re human and it’s normal.
Journaling was my way of getting into my feelings. It’s the ultimate self-awareness tool. When you write, “I’m feeling angry right now.” You take stock of what’s going on. “Oh! It’s that emotion again. I’m human. Let’s feel this out because I know it will pass soon.”
My guys reading this, it’s ok to step aside for a few minutes and feel something. Let out those toxins. Journal, listen to a sad song, talk to someone. Anything is better than acting like a robot.
5. “Past mistakes, discomforts, and disappointments say nothing about your self-worth.”
The past can’t hurt you.
The past says nothing about your self-worth or your purpose.
I already knew that intuitively, but I needed Dr. Eger’s story to kick me in the butt. We all need a reminder when challenges question our resolve.
1.) “You can’t stand underneath someone else’s umbrella and complain you’re getting wet.”
2.) “If you were to leave this world today, what do you want your last thoughts to be?”
3.) “You can choose to pay attention to the things you lost or you can choose to pay attention to what you have.”
4.) “Expression is the opposite of oppression.”
5.) “Past mistakes, discomforts, disappointments say nothing about your self-worth.”
Having lived these principles over the past few weeks, I can tell you that I’ve become a more caring and intentional person. They are constant reminders to practice gratitude and live for hope.
That’s what leaders do right? We are dealers in hope.