How To Break The Habit of Constantly Blaming Yourself When Things Go Wrong
All you have to do is this one thing
So much junk happens every day.
Some things are big, like breakups or getting let go from a job. Some are minor, like the unexpected bill or your car getting towed. Most are inconsequential, like your team losing the game.
A lot of it is unfair. Most of it is not your fault. But that’s the way life goes. As they say in the movie Bull Durham. “Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and sometimes it rains.”
Our primary responsibility when junk happens is not to make things worse. But most of us do the exact opposite. We get frustrated and angry. We blame ourselves and spend hours self-loathing and usually end up hurting others.
It’s about time we break this nasty habit, don’t you think?
I think this story will help.
When The Panic Actually Kills You
My car got towed last weekend.
Yes, it was unfair and the fee was heavy, but that wasn't the issue. The issue was I didn't handle the situation well.
I got frustrated and beat myself up for hours. I ruined my Sunday and ruined my girlfriend's Sunday by extension. The whole thing sucked.
Ironically, I read an interesting factoid the next day that hit me in the face like a left hook from a southpaw. I found it in a book about deep-wreck scuba divers called Shadow Divers.
Did you know most deep-sea scuba diver deaths are not caused by lack of oxygen? In fact, some die with full tanks on their back.
What usually happens is much scarier. As a diver descends, the atmospheric pressure alters the chemicals in their brain. A sort of neurosis sets in, and it becomes harder to think clearly. Accidents happen when a diver gets in a pinch, and instead of slowing down and focusing on the problem, they panic. They either swim towards the surface too fast and die of the bends or flat-out drown.
The author tells the tale of a diver who got caught on a wire while exploring a shipwreck. A buddy diver tried to help him get untangled, but panic had altered his personality. Instead of cutting the wire, the trapped diver took out his knife and started slashing the ocean out of fear, thinking his buddy would only make it worse.
Well, he accidentally cut a leak in his suit. He was never seen again.
All You Have to Do is Stop Digging
As the adage goes, when you find yourself in a hole, all you have to do is stop digging. Stop digging, cut yourself some slack, and find a way out.
For the love of St. Pete, do not slash at the open ocean defending yourself from imaginary sharks.
Ok, Cal, but how do I remind myself to stop digging?
My girlfriend Dani texted me something interesting. She said I should leave “space for space.” She meant that self-blame can invade your headspace until there’s no room for anything else. Your brain is literally running on fumes.
Perhaps she meant it’s time to run on different fuel? Good things like self-love, forgiveness, calm, grace, and purpose.
The diver should have let his friend help. Sometimes it takes an outside point of view to help you see things how they really are.
The diver should have realized that neurosis is part of the deal. He may have discovered that his knife could be used to cut wires.
He should have left space for space because, literally, anything is better than the alternative.
Your girlfriend seems really really smart and cool