No, Loneliness Doesn't Feel Great, But It Also Means You're Leveling Up
No, Loneliness Doesn't Feel Great, But It Also Means You're Leveling Up
Here's what the state of mind means and what it doesn't mean
No, Loneliness Doesn't Feel Great, But It Also Means You're Leveling Up
My friend Chris might be the most confident person I know.
He’s one of those happy-go-lucky individuals who finds joy in every waking moment (whether or not that’s a productive moment makes no deference). He lets societal pressures like relationships and social media influence roll off his back — as if they don’t exist.
How does he do it? He refuses to let others determine his self-worth.
Chris and I were walking to brunch in Chicago the other day and I started talking about dating. “We’re running out of time!” I complained. “I think I found the one, but how can I be sure?” “I’m going to be alone forever!”
He turned and said. “Huh, I haven’t thought about it that way. Maybe I should download Bumble.”
I about died of laughter. The anxieties that normally haunt singles hadn’t entered his radar.
His response made me consider loneliness. Why do we feel so much anxiety when we’re single?
Why do we compare our lives to couples?
Why do we ping our self-worth to relationships?
Why does loneliness make us feel like a failure?
Chris reminded me that loneliness is a state of mind. It’s basic psychology: we want what we don’t have and don’t appreciate the opportunities at our feet.
We then tell ourselves a story about what loneliness means. That you’re a failure, you’re undatable, you’re behind.
That’s a story. Not reality.
Here’s what loneliness actually means.
It Means You’re Searching For A Higher Standard
If you were so inclined, you could find a date for tonight and feel less lonely.
You could swipe right on everyone on Bumble within a 20-mile radius and find a desperate individual who doesn’t share your values or does anything for you physically.
But what would that say about you?
Loneliness is a choice.
Not a choice like deciding what to eat for dinner or what show to watch on Netflix, but a choice between settling and choosing a standard consistent with your self-worth.
I know plenty of idiots in relationships, and so do you. It’s nothing special. Getting a relationship is easy. Loneliness means you’re looking for something real. Someone who shares your values. Someone you’re attracted to. Someone with compatibility.
It’s the harder road. It takes time, but you know deep down it’s worth it.
It Means You’re Emotionally Available and Ready to Share Your Life
Healthy relationships are like pillars on a temple. They stand apart but work together.
I’m 28 years old and I finally feel emotionally and mentally prepared for a long-term, healthy relationship. I know what a healthy relationship feels like, and I know when it’s toxic. I know when a relationship is a shared experience, and I know when it’s lopsided. I know how to ask for what I want, and I know how to respect boundaries.
I consider myself a smart and self-aware individual and it took me 28 years to get there.
Loneliness means you’re ready for something real and healthy. I’m reminded of all the people going through breakups or divorces who must endure the long sojourn called healing, or the people stuck in toxic relationships who lack the courage to walk away.
Imagine the work they have to go through to get where you’re at.
You put in the work. You paid your dues. You know what you want and you’re ready to share your life.
How amazing is that.
It Means You Won’t Regret The Times You Spent Single
There’s a philosophical game I like to play when I’m feeling lonely.
As you go about your daily routine, pause and imagine — at some point in the future, perhaps when you’re old, will you wish you could return to this exact moment? Deeper still, what could you do that would make that old person proud?
It’s a hunch, but I doubt that older version of yourself would regret the times you remained single. Why? Because it’s the most self-explorative time of your life that you'll never get back. You get to decide what you want to achieve and explore passions without heavy responsibilities.
There are 7 billion people on the planet. 65% of American adults either get married or cohabitating with a partner. The fact is, if you live your life, you will find someone. It’s statistics. It will happen. You will be fine.
What a time to be single! Use it wisely and make your old self proud.
It Means You’re Still In The First Quarter of Your Dating Life
I learned from that hilarious conversation with Chris that loneliness is only an identity if you make it one.
You might feel lonely because you lost a partner and you know how great it is to have someone to watch Netflix with. Now you feel as if you’re in a void.
You’re not.
Your past taught you about what you want. How to ask for things. How to set boundaries. That’s not nothing.
You’re in the first quarter of your dating life. You’re ready for the real thing.