Rearrange that story you keep telling yourself
Everyone says the same thing when something terrible happens to you: give it time.
True. But is that all it takes?
Surely there’s a difference between the drunk who takes 4 years to get over a divorce vs. the badass who files the papers and continues to run her company without a blimp. Or the person who resents everyone after one failed business vs. the entrepreneur who immediately goes back to the drawing board.
I went through a breakup.
For weeks, I couldn’t eat or concentrate on anything for more than 20 seconds. All the while I repeated the same stories in my head, each concluding with —“You weren’t good enough.”
That’s the mindset that takes a coward 4 years to get over someone.
Everything changed after I heard this John Lennon quote on a podcast.
“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance.”
There are two competing ways you can look at any situation. Two lenses from which you can choose to view the universe: fear or love.
Fear: She dumped me so that means I’m not enough. I’m unlovable.
Or
Love: She was always meant to be temporary. I’m now more open to someone who isn’t.
Fear: I didn’t get the job because I’m a loser not meant to have my dream job.
Or
Love: The timing wasn’t right. Let’s find another avenue.
We default to fear-based stories because it’s easier and feels good in the moment to play the victim. The psychologist Robert Ellis gave a humorous name to this mindset: “Musturbation.” It feels good for a few minutes but ultimately does nothing.
Instead, we must practice love.
Love everything that happens to you. Why? Because things don’t always go your way. Sometimes you pull the short straw. You hit weeks/months of bad luck. People act cold and indifferent towards you. Forgive them, they know not what they do.
Love everything that happens to you. Amor Fati. It’s fucking hard, but it serves you better than “musturbation”. Once you default to love, your day-to-day tasks become lighter. You’re suddenly grateful for the people in your corner. You regain focus and your courage returns as if it never left.
Love it. Get on with it.
It was the writer Cheryl Strayed who wrote:
“You can’t cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it…”